


A Brit, a Finn, a German and an Australian walk into a bar…

by Making_excuses



Series: How not to dress by Sebastian Vettel [1]
Category: Formula 1 RPF
Genre: Clothing, Drunkenness, Gen, Irony and/or Sarcasm, Silly, bet
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-06
Updated: 2015-03-06
Packaged: 2018-03-16 12:25:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,133
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3488210
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Making_excuses/pseuds/Making_excuses
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sebastian loses a bet, this is the story of <i>how</i> and what happens after.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Wild_Strawberry](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Wild_Strawberry/gifts).



> aka Ciro0 on Tumblr. who is also to blame for me writing this, with bribes of illustrations. She is also my very awesome Beta reader!
> 
> This is most definitively filled with cliches and bad jokes.

Drinking after a win was always a good idea, drinking with Mark, Kimi and Jenson on the other hand, less so. 

“I wonder which nationality can hold their liquor worst” Jenson said, and that was how it started. He should have known it wouldn’t end well. Drinking with a Brit, Finn and an Australian would always end in disaster for the younger and lighter German. 

“I propose a competition,” Mark said and Sebastian refrained from commenting, already having an inkling on where this would end up. Mainly with him having to explain to Heikki and Christian about why he missed morning practice tomorrow. Probably one at the time, the first being Heikki when he goes into his room to dump a bucket of ice-water over his head when he doesn’t show up. Then Christian would be disappointed in him, and he hated when Daddy Horner was disappointed, he just sighed a lot and told him that he expected better from him. But that would not happen before tomorrow, so why worry about that now?  

“I have vodka.” As usual Kimi picked a great moment to chime in with _helpful_ comments, like he didn’t know who would win this.

“I want to make a suggestion,” Jenson started saying with the confidence of someone who knows that no one in the room would back down from a challenge.

“Just spit it out, git,” Mark replied as he pulled out shot glasses from his bag.

“I think that whoever can’t walk in a straight line first have to wear whatever the other three decide the next time they go out in public.” Before anyone could voice their opinion, Jenson added “of course it is in public on your free time, whenever you do official bullshit you wear whatever you’re told to.” Jenson seemed to have thought of everything and he knew that no one, not even Kimi would back down from that challenge. Of course it wasn’t much of a challenge for the Nordic dofus.

“You got a bet, mate,” Mark replied, and Kimi nodded, which only left Seb, and he knew he had no other choice than to go with it.

“For sure,” he said and if he didn’t regret it before seeing the expressions on his co-drivers' faces, he did now.

******** 

Waking up was the most horrible experience he’d had since the 2010 World Champion celebrations some years earlier, but then he had a full day off. Now on the other hand he had a very disappointed looking Finnish trainer, who expected him to run five kilometers, preferably two hours ago, standing by his bed.

“Why aren’t you up and dressed Sebastian?” Heikki frowned, holding his water bottle too close to Seb’s head for comfort.

“Why are the lights so bright? Have light always been so lightfull? Why is the noise from the air conditioner so loud? Am I having a stroke? And why are you shouting at me?” Sebastian replied, trying to hide under the blankets. Which worked for like a second, before he was suddenly a blanket poorer.

“Get in the shower, and take these.” Heikki’s threatening water bottle wasn’t there to threaten him, but to give him something to swallow the pills with. He had never hoped for cyanide more in his life. Swallowing the pills, he walked more or less in a straight line towards the shower, hoping he would drown in there.

Ten minutes later he got out of the shower, sadly un-drowned , but feeling a bit less like death was standing right in front of him, now it only felt like death was on the other side of the door, dressed in the body of a very tall and blonde Finnish man, with ways to make him run longer than he ever wanted to run in his life.

“Heikki?” he said, not raising his voice as that would surely murder him, and death seemed like something that could wait a bit longer to come knocking.

Hearing a knock on the door he looked around for a place to hide, before he remembered that it was most probably Heikki who knocked, not death. He decided to take a chance and open a door, one didn’t become a three time World Champion without a bit of bravery.

“I was worried you had fallen asleep on the floor, and sleeping can wait,” Heikki said the moment the door was opened. “And put some clothes on,” he added. Sebastian looked down on himself realizing that he got out of the shower, but forgot to do anything else, now where was the pesky towel? Ah! There it was. Taking a moment to wonder if anything in the Energy Station didn’t have a Red Bull logo, he tied the towel around his waist. 

******** 

Two weeks later Sebastian finally had a full day off and he decided to go shopping. Hair colour didn’t just magically find it’s way into his bathroom. As he was getting ready to go out, he decided to take a quick trip across his yard to say hi to Kimi’s dogs, walking into his neighbour’s garden and being greeted by a very large and very friendly dog, he patted its head.

“Seb!” Kimi greeted him, getting up from a chair in his garden.

“Hello Kimi, I was just coming over to say hi to the dogs before I went out to run some errands,” he smiled. As he was getting surrounded by some very excited dogs, he remembered to get the treats he had in his pocket out and give to all of them, looking up at Kimi to get the nod of approval before handing them out. They both knew that the nod was just a formality though. He would spoil those dogs with treats with or without Kimi’s approval.

“Then why are you dressed in only a t-shirt and jacket?” Kimi replied. Why Kimi would care what he was wearing was beyond anyone, so it took him a moment to figure out how to reply to that. It wasn’t snowing, nor was it especially warm, even if it was going to rain why would Kimi care if he got a bit wet? “You know a Finn, Brit, German and Australian walk into a bar, well Red Bull Energy Station to be precise,” Kimi added, now openly smiling, or if you could call a completely evil facial expression a smile. Well it did include a smile so probably?

“Why are you starting to tell me a joke? Are you being held hostage? Is someone trying to kill you? Do you need me to call a doctor?” he was suddenly worried about Kimi’s safety, maybe the evil smile was just for show?

“Sebastian Vettel you are a man of your word?” was all Kimi replied, evil smile number two still present on his face.

“Yes? What does that have to do with anything? Am I being held hostage without knowing it? Am I dying? And you want to take over my seat at Red Bull? Because I promised you that if I ever died, and no one could prove you killed me I would let you finish my contract at Red Bull? I thought you were happy at Lotus? I thought you liked being dressed in black and gold? It is very badass and it suits you! The Red Bull suit is the wrong colour for you, your face would just look washed out. You should kill Mark’s best friend instead, red is a much better colour for you, you know if you were planning on killing someone...” making sure the dogs stayed between himself and Kimi for safety reasons, not that he couldn’t take Kimi in a fight, Heikki had taught him well.

Well, Heikki taught him to hide behind him if something bad happened, so he wouldn’t damage his pretty little hands. Thinking back on it it didn’t seem like much of a compliment. Was Heikki making fun of him?

“Why would I want to kill Mitch Evans?” Kimi frowned at Sebastian completely ignoring the rest of the rant.

“Why would you kill Mitch Evans? I never mentioned him, are you planning on killing him? You should at least wait for him to get a seat in Formula 1 before killing him.” now he was really confused, when did Kimi become such a murderous person? Did he have to start bringing Heikki with him everywhere so the _Tall Finn_ could protect him from the _Short Finn_?

“Go back to your house and put more layers of clothes on,” was all the response he got from Kimi before he turned around and walked back into his house, possibly to find a weapon to kill him with.

Why did Kimi suddenly become so obsessed with the amount of clothes he had on? Was he scared that he would get a cold? Did he feel that he was getting too thin and the clothes would hide the fact? Did he think Hannah would find him more attractive with layers? Because dressing in layers was a fashion thing? Wasn’t it? He recalled hearing Hannah say that to one of her friends on the phone a while ago. He wondered if he could call Britta and ask her advice on this, but she had made it abundantly clear that he wasn’t allowed to ask her what he should wear on his days off. Apparently she had enough of dressing him for work, which he didn’t understand was such an issue. He had dressed himself all his life, why would he have any issues doing it now? Well, to be completely honest his mother bought his clothes until he was fourteen and after that he just put on whichever clothes Red Bull put in front of him and told him to wear. But he was sure he could manage just fine without their help.

Seb went back into his own house and into his bedroom to find some more clothes so he could layer them. Kimi would never tell him to do anything without a reason. Well there was the incident with the baseball hat and the sauna, but he had promised after that to not trick him again. He was wearing evil smile number four while saying it, but really, why shouldn’t he trust the Finn? 

********

Getting into his car he felt a bit naked not wearing anything with a Red Bull logo on it. He couldn’t remember the last time that happened. He almost thought Adrian and Christian would want to tattoo a Red Bull logo on him one of these days. Not that it would be such a bad idea? Kimi had tattoos, it seemed like people liked those. He should totally get a tattoo, but where? Maybe his shoulder? That is a cool place right? Possibly a dolphin, you know he might not stay at Red Bull Racing the rest of his career so a Red Bull logo might not be the best idea. He should probably talk with Hannah and Britta about that before doing it, how did you even get a tattoo? Where did you go? Did you have to get a doctors note first? He should call Kimi and ask. But first he had to get to the shopping centre to buy hair colour and he should get some stuff for Kimi’s dogs. He should also get himself a dog… Or maybe he should wait until the winter break so he could spend enough time with it before he had to leave for months and months, and he would have to talk to Kimi and hear if his dog sitter could watch little Snowflake?

Texting Heikki to know which colour they should dye their hair next weekend he got out of the car, pulling his logo free cap a bit further down his face, regretting that he didn’t go full Kimi and put sunglasses on too, but he always felt a bit weird when he wore sunglasses outside when the sun wasn’t shining.

Walking into the sweet shop, he decided that as he had such a confusing conversation with Kimi he deserved to eat a bit of chocolate. Hoping he wouldn’t get recognized he walked up to the young woman behind the counter.

“Excuse me, do you have any chocolate filled with Jägermeister?” he asked, smiling briefly at the girl before looking at the collection of chocolates behind the glass. “Or maybe something shaped like a Formula One car, or any car for that matter?” he continued.

“I am sorry, we seem to have sold out of the Jägermeister ones, a very tall blonde man walked in here earlier buying them all, along with our car shaped ones, we have some filled with vodka if that is okay?” was her reply.

“Scheiße!” He suddenly realized why Kimi was asking about the amount of layers he had on the stupid bet he lost, quite magnificently!

“I am sorry? Did you need it for something important? I can probably call to the shop across town to hear if they have any left mister Vettel,” the girl replied, looking slightly worried, and on top of it she had recognized him, even without any Red Bull logos on.

“No, no, no it is okay. I am sorry about my outburst, I was just really looking forward to eating some chocolate, the vodka filled ones will be more than okay,” he replied with one of his trademark smiles. Deciding that opening up about a drunken bet with a random girl working in a shop wouldn’t be the smartest thing he could do. Then again not a lot could top the bet, actually the bet wasn’t that bad, the hangover was. Thinking about it, Heikki making him run double what he usually did after a win was what almost killed him. But telling a random girl about his drunken mistake would be rated up there on _Sebastian Vettel's list of things he regrets doing._

“That is okay, I understand why you would be disappointed, I would be too if I went out to buy comfort food while I was sick,” the girl said smiling at him. Why would she think he was sick? He didn’t look sick now did he? He thought he had gotten a bit of a tan this year, he even spent a day by the pool at the Red Bull Energy Station in Monaco and he didn’t jump into the pool even once with his race suit on, well, once. And once into the harbor, but the rest of the time he wore shorts and a t-shirt or his race suit.

“For sure,” he replied, deciding going with a cliche was better than asking why she would think he was sick. As she handed him the bag of chocolates he saw the trademark expression of someone wanting to ask for an autograph and/or picture, but not being sure how to be polite about it on her face.

“Here you go mister Vettel, will you be paying with cash or card today?” she said and as he pulled out his card of his wallet she gestured towards the card machine, putting in his pin he thought about just telling her to hand over a piece of paper and he would sign it and that yes, he would be happy to take a picture with her.

“Thank you, you have been quite helpful, I hope you have the Jägermeister ones the next time,” he smiled at her, waiting for the questions.

“You are welcome, I am sorry, but are you in a hurry or could I bother you for a picture? I know you are sick so no pressure,” she smiled and looked hopefully down at him. Why was everyone taller than him?

“No problem at all,  what do you want me to write?” he smiled at her and found a pen in one of his pockets.

“If it wouldn’t be too much of a problem could you write, ‘To Klaus I am sure you will do great at your exams,’ exclamation mark then your signature? And if I could be in the picture with you that would be wünderbar,” she asked, clearly for someone not her, if she wasn’t a very feminine looking man.

“For sure,” he told her, starting to write what she asked him to on a piece of paper, adding his signature. He watched her walk around the counter to get closer to him, realizing she meant a selfie, he got ready to smile. As she got beside him he put his arm behind her back and she took a picture, or what seemed like twenty pictures with her phone.

“Thank you so much mister Vettel,” she smiled and he extended his arm to give her a handshake or hug, he didn’t much care about the specifics. As she shook his hand he smiled at her one last time.

“No problem, and thank you,” he replied before giving the young woman a slight wave and walking out of the shop to find the nearest store that sold hair colour, or possibly a hair salon, he hadn’t changed his hairstyle yet this month, it was way overdue. Then again he had to text Heikki to ask which hairstyle they should go with this time.  

Looking around for a hairdresser he caught a glimpse of himself in a mirror. He had to admit to himself that he might have gone _slightly_ overboard with the layering, which also might explain why the girl at the shop thought he was sick.

On the bright side Jenson, Mark and Kimi couldn’t say that he hadn’t finished the bet. Looking down at his phone to see if Heikki had texted back he smiled to himself, thinking of how to get back at his friends, maybe a singing competition?

********

It wasn’t until a week later that Sebastian realized that Jenson and Mark must have planned this, the jury was still up on Kimi’s involvement in it. Who was he trying to fool, Kimi was definitively to blame for this.

Also for the lack of Jägermeister filled chocolate and the car shaped ones that would be harder to prove, but if anyone could do it Kimi could, or possibly Heikki. He seemed to have forgiven him for the drunken night and the consequent flashing him by accident thing, but you never knew with _The Finns_. Maybe his two favourite Finns finally had become friends and started planning things together? He suddenly regretting sharing his vodka filled chocolates with Kimi and offering the last one to Heikki. That had resulted in a thirty minute lecture on why too much sugar in your diet is bad for you. The point still stands, someone is to blame for all of this and one day he will solve it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter two will be a very adorable drawing of Sebbies outfit!
> 
> I will also like to add thank you for reading, and I hope you found some amusement from this!
> 
>  **Disclaimer** No money is made, the characters only share a name with real people, I am not in any way shape or form saying that either of them has done any of what I have written. Except say "For sure" in Sebastians case.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Here is the drawing, which is drawn by Ciro0

 

**Author's Note:**

> Chapter two will be a very adorable drawing of Sebbies outfit!
> 
> I will also like to add thank you for reading, and I hope you found some amusement from this!
> 
>  **Disclaimer** No money is made, the characters only share a name with real people, I am not in any way shape or form saying that either of them has done any of what I have written. Except say "For sure" in Sebastians case.


End file.
